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Being T

*Now I ain't dumb but I can't understand, why she walk like a woman and talk like a man* The Kinks

Being Transgendered

What is it? Where do I fit in?

This section contains

My definition of Transgendered

A discussion of the difference between of Gender Identity and Sexual Preference

A brief rant on *working and playing well with others*

My definitions of the Types of Transgendered Individuals

Being Female , Being Feminine, and Being a Lady

A not so brief rant on why *labels* are important

Those of you who have visited this page before will note some rather radical changes. These changes reflect the changes that I've been going through and hopefully my deeper understanding of the topic. Don't be surprised if it changes AGAIN...*G*.

If you want a REAL thrill...after you finish with this page, take a look at A Call For Unity.

Preface

Allow me to start this section off with my qualifications to discuss this subject. I have only one. I'm Transgendered. I'm not a psychologist, psychiatrist, or a certified counselor. If you're feeling bad about dressing, I'm not the one to talk to. Seek professional help from a LICENSED THERAPIST who understand Transgender issues! Likewise, if you want to make drastic physical changes to your body (Implants, hormones, electrolysis, Sex Reassignment Surgery), seek professional help from a LICENSED DOCTOR who has an understanding of Transsexual issues. Please treat your mind and body with the utmost respect! Our minds and bodies are the only things in this life that we are given that are truly ALL OURS and are not replaceable. Do NOT settle for anything less than the VERY BEST!

Now that I've told you what I can't do....let me tell you what I can help with. Below you'll find some basic definitions that I've found useful in better understanding just who I am. None of this is new information. I'm just telling you what I've read and talked about with others and put that information down, as filtered through my mind. If what I've written isn't making things clear, check out the Resources section. I'm sure you'll find better written info at those sites...*G* Oh!!! One more thing before we start. I have geared all of my comments below toward male to female Transgenderism. If by chance you are a female going to male, just reverse the gender tag. Not everything will apply, but you might get some worthwhile information.

What is being Transgendered?

Transgendered: an umbrella term for individuals born with the sexual organs and/or physical characteristics of one gender, but possessing an overwhelming need and/or desire to display the physical appearance, behavior and/or clothing of the opposite gender for a variety of reasons and to different degrees.

To complicate matters...not everyone agrees on the definitions, but what we CAN all agree on is the difference between GENDER IDENTITY and SEXUAL PREFERENCE.

Gender Identity And Sexual Preference

The MOST IMPORTANT thing for someone exploring Transgenderism to grasp is, the concept of GENDER IDENTITY. In each of the TG groups, people are born with the genitals and/or physical characteristicss of one gender but have a NEED to express and display modes of dress and /or behaviors traditionally assigned to people of the opposite gender. For example...a man who is compelled to dress and act like a woman.

Are we mentally ill? NO. It's the way we're made up...the way we're *hard wired*. Everyone has both male and female traits within them but the Transgendered individual has an overwhelming need to express the one that society has told us is unacceptable to display.

Can we suppress our Gender Identity? Yes. Can we change our Gender Identification NO.

Which gender we identify with, has NOTHING to do with who we would like to have sex with. SEXUAL PREFERENCE involves which gender we are sexually attracted to.

The most common question the newly discovered Transgendered person asks is, *Does this mean I'm GAY????* Not necessarily. According to statistics, most of us are heterosexual. Many are married, have spouses and children and have no interest in having sex with someone of the same gender in any way, shape or form. Some are bi-sexual...and some are, yes, gay.

Can we refrain from having sex with the gender of our choice? Yes. Can we get rid of WANTING to have sex with the gender of our choice? No.

Now that we've made the above distinctions, let's take a look at each group according to how I keep all of *us* organized.....

Transgender Classifications

The following is how I personally categorize different types of Transgendered individuals. I use two main groups....Transsexuals and Pangendered. I place individuals in a main group by the degree to which an individual identifies themselves with one gender.

Please do NOT make the mistake of believing that there is a hierarchy in being Transgendered or that inclusion in one group or the other is a reflection of the WORTH of an individual!!!!!

A common misconception held by many is that there is a hierarchy involved in being Transgendered. In other words, that being Transgendered is a linear progression beginning with a clothing fetish and ending with GRS/SRS. NOTHING could be further from the truth. Theoretically a GRS/SRS Transsexual can have a shoe fetish, dress and act like a man on weekends and live full time as a woman after GRS/SRS. But it doesn’t mean that one will become a GRS/SRS Transsexual because they have a shoe fetish.

While the old joke

*What’s the difference between a Cross Dresser and a Transsexual? 3 years.*

may be funny....it ISN’T accurate.

A person may redefine themselves after engaging in some serious soul searching...but not because they are fated to begin at one point and are DRAW inexorably to the next stage.

Transsexuals are not *better* or more *legitimate* because they are *real* women. Cross Dressers are not just *men playing at being a woman*. The only difference between Transgendered groups is the DEGREE of their identification to one gender.

Stating that a Transsexual is *more of a woman* than a Pangendered individual is ever SO pointless. It's like saying an orange is more of a fruit than a banana. Each has it's place in nature and should be enjoyed! When I hear some poor misguided soul say, *Well...Cross Dressers are just *playing* at being a woman and dressing up*, I'm immediately reminded of a parallel statement used by men .....*Oh yeah? Well, my dick's bigger than yours!*

Not all individuals identify as strongly with their female aspect, but that identification is NO LESS VALID!

Transsexual

An individual born with the incorrect sexual organs and/or physical characteristics for the gender that they know themselves to be and who wishes to correct nature’s mistake surgically and/or socially.

There are two types of Transsexuals

GRS/SRS Transsexual: an individual who is able to permanently reinforce their gender through Gender Reassignment or Sex Reassignment Surgery

Non Op Transsexual: an individual who is unable to permanently change the genitals they were born with through surgery, but lives full time as the gender they know themselves to be.

Shemales

I personally find this label distasteful and pejorative in the extreme....however, I use it here as it is often seen, commonly used, and I can't think of a term that sounds any better. Shemales are a sub category of Transsexuals, many often having had some surgical alterations (breast implants being a common one) and/or are taking hormones. They, however retain their penises. Many people who refer to themselves as Shemales are performers involved in the Sex Entertainment Industry.

Hermaphrodites or Intersexed

Born into this world with the physical characteristics of BOTH genders, Hermaphrodites are generally misunderstood, mistreated or worst of all, IGNORED by EVERYONE be they Straight, Gay, or *T*. I've had the honor to chat with two Hermaphrodites and can't begin to understand how difficult life is for them. Hermaphrodites are usually forced by society to CHOOSE the gender that they will live the rest of their lives as....OR the choice is made for them early in life by their parents or doctors. The next time you worry about getting the wrong genitals or being *busted* for wearing panties...think about a group of people who have REAL problems. It's a pity that most people can't embrace Hermaphrodites for who they are...the most perfect form of humanity.

Pangendered

An individual who is able to live with the majority of the physical characteristics they were born with, but frequently display the outward appearance, behavior and/or clothing of the opposite gender.

Cross Dresser or CD: an individual who displays the physical appearance, behavior and/or clothing of the opposite gender. The degree of Gender identification possessed by Cross Dressers runs from nearly as strong as a Transsexual to only a bit more than a Fetish Cross Dresser.

Drag Queens or DQ': are a sub category of Cross Dressers. While many CD's are heterosexual, almost all DQs are gay. DQs look and act like women, but are primarily entertainers and performers. DQ's use a more exaggerated approach to dressing, make-up and mannerisms which reads better when on stage.

I have the highest regard for our talented, wonderful sisters. No night of clubbing is complete without a good drag show. DQs work hard to give us less talented girls damn fine evenings of entertainment, charm, beauty and some of the best one-liners you'll ever hear! A word of advice....Don't piss them off...and tip them WELL!

Transvestite or TV's: an individual who displays the physical appearance, behavior and/or clothing of the opposite gender for the purpose of attracting sexual partners. I include this group with this name only because it seems to persist in the UK.

Fetish Cross Dresser an individual who wears specific apparel of the opposite gender primarily for personal sexual gratification. Fetish Cross Dressers would seem to have the least degree of gender identification.

Being Female , Being Feminine, and Being a Lady

I’ve done a good deal of thinking about what it means to be Female....to be Feminine....and to be a Lady. These terms are often used interchangeably...but are VERY different.

In a nutshell here is the difference:

Female: a set of common physical characteristics.

Feminine: a set of common learned behaviors.

Lady: a learned, artificial set of societal or cultural behavioral rules that are a sub set of Feminine behavior.

Being Female

No one is taught to be Female. They either are...or aren’t. Because no two Females *behave* in the same way...being Female must be limited to common physical characteristics which make them easily identifiable as Female. These may include longer hair, rounder, softer facial features, fuller lips, lack of facial and body hair, no Adam’s Apple, breasts, longer fingernails, a small waist, a more rounded, larger derriere, and a vagina.

In the realm of the Transgendered individual this means taking on those physical characteristics.

All Transgendered individuals begin with bodies that have stronger or easily identifiable Male characteristics. The extent and permanence to which Female characteristics are taken on is dependant on the degree of the gender identification felt by the individual.

In the case of the Cross Dresser, taking on the physical characteristics of the Female gender is accomplished by imitation and temporary measures. In the case of Transsexual, this is accomplished first by imitation and temporary measures with the ultimate goal of permanent surgical changes.

Being Feminine

Not all Females are considered Feminine. While a person’s physical appearance my be described as Feminine, the true test of Femininity has been what a person DOES. Since this is the case, being Feminine must be a set of learned behaviors. These may include wearing make up, wearing traditionally Female clothing, more easily displaying emotions, engaging in more traditionally domestic Female activities (house keeping, laundry, cooking, flower arranging, decorating, sewing, shopping etc), and taking more interest in clothing, fashion, and appearance.

The Women’s Rights Movement and the Feminist Movement have both worked diligently to fight stereotypes and limitation to expand the scope of what should be considered *Feminine* behavior. This of course presents a problem for the Transgendered individual.

Transgendered individuals are fighting to downplay their Masculine characteristics, and the easiest way to accomplish this is by embracing obvious, stereotypic Feminine behaviors that I’ve listed above. It is natural for the Transgendered individual to overcompensate and concentrate on the obvious stereotypes in order to not be *read* as Male...but in the long run....this is not the best attitude to hold for life. It will be limiting to all Females.....Transgendered ones included.

Being a Lady

One can be Female and Feminine...but that does not guarantee that the individual will also be a Lady.

Being a Lady means following a rigid set of societal or cultural behavioral rules set up for Females. While they are limiting, they have great worth. Being a Lady may include being honorable, being polite, being caring, being kind, putting other’s needs first, being generous, being humble, and not being crass or vulgar in words, dress or deeds.

These high standards are difficult for anyone to maintain...but should be strived for by all human beings...not only Females.

A Final Note

So there you have it. My system for organizing Being T. Don't be alarmed if you *fall between the cracks*. We are all INDIVIDUALS....unique in our make up. And we change. I only use these terms as guidelines.

Labels, labels, labels....*Why do we need them? Can’t I just be me?* Of course you can. You’ve got little choice. BUT...what about all the people who AREN’T you? They need help to understand you. (Think about how long it’s taken for you to understand yourself.) One of the few things that separates us from the lower life forms is our ability to use language. Language has it’s limitations, but we’re only hurting ourselves if we don’t try to use every tool at our disposal to help other people understand how we think and feel and WHY we do what we do.

I’m afraid there is no polite way to put this. People who claim not to believe in using labels are selfish, lazy and foolish. There is a reason why a general term exists...because there is a large group that it DOES represent. It is selfish of someone to discard that term because it doesn’t EXACTLY apply to THEM. It also shows a lack of effort and thought on someone’s part concerning what and who they are. That person is unable to verbally express who and what they are. It’s hard to do....so they just throw up their hands and quit. The only thing left that others will be able to judge a TG person by, is actions, which consist of dressing up in women’s clothing and *pretending* to be something they’re not. The general public will have no understanding of WHY we do this and will have no specific word to attach to the behavior (or even WORSE...they’ll come up with their OWN word like *abnormal*, *weird* or *disgusting*). Therefore...shunning, ignoring or berating the use of labels gives control of how we are described right back to people who have NO understanding of us...which is foolish.

Why are we not accepted by society? Because they fear us. What do people fear? What they don’t understand. Why? Because they don’t know if it can hurt them. Why don’t people understand us???? Ignorance. Labels help to give people information. Here are several reasons we need labels.

Being TG is by nature a secretive activity because it’s not accepted by society. A secret is withholding information. People can’t understand something if they aren’t given information, so they fear it because they don’t know if it will cause them harm. No one is going to understand us if they don’t know we exist or if we don’t tell them what we do and why we do it. Until recently, being TG has often been a lonely, INDIVIDUAL activity. We are making progress in this area, but we’re still a long way from being in the mainstream. With the advent of the internet, we are getting more exposure. In addition...we now have the opportunity to talk to EACH OTHER and realize that there are a lot more of us than we ever dreamed possible. We need to continue to use this powerful tool to begin to pull together as a GROUP instead of isolated individuals. Slogging through the process of developing terms to describe us will be one of the big jobs ahead. We need to give the general public language to use to help them understand us, so they won’t FEAR us.

Gender Identity, Sexuality and Sexual Preference are all the same thing in the general public’s mind. What makes this a problem is that, even though they are separate things entirely, they all work together. It is easy (even for us) to begin to blur them all together. This is a big problem both for the pubic and for us! Gender Identity is which gender we associate ourselves with. Sexuality is the level of one’s interest in sex and Sexual Preference is the gender one is sexually attracted to. In people who aren’t TG those remain constant. With us...they can change. That makes people nervous. For example...I am TG. I identify with BOTH genders. Talia’s sexuality is lower than my *boy* self. Both male and female sides of me are sexually attracted to women and other TGs, but not to men, which technically makes me bisexual. BUT...I’m married and choose not to pursue sexual activities with anyone as Talia and ONLY with my wife as my *boy* self. This would be FAR more confusing without the use of *labels*. Another issue raises it’s ugly head In America, we have trouble talking about sex without snickering, giggling and generally making asses of ourselves. Sex is still seen as *dirty* and not to be talked about in polite company. Homophobia runs rampant in our culture. Because Gender Identity, Sexuality and Sexual Preference are so often intertwined it is a difficult subject to discuss. Without the labels...it becomes impossible.

People just stop wanting to learn. As children, we are taught simple concepts...right & wrong, good & bad, girl & boy. This isn’t the problem. The problem lies in people not taking it further than basics. Life ISN’T black and white. It’s a big old lump of grey. It’s much easier to just believe what one has been taught as a child than to actually THINK. If we ask these people to *just accept us as people* without FORCING them to think...we don’t have a prayer of being accepted. Once again...we need "labels" to help us replace the more simplistic labels that people have learned as children and not bothered to expand.

So...am I saying that my *labels* are the be-all and end-all? Hardly. They work for me. Can’t find yourself in there? Don’t whine about it...don’t bitch about it. DO something about it!!! Share your knowledge and expertise. Get to work and come up with something that fits you! And when you do, TELL me and others about it. The only way we’re ever going to be accepted is if we work together!

Like any large group of people (and there are a LOT more of us than one might think) there is a lack of agreement about just about everything. Should the definitions above be taken as gospel? Certainly not! It's how I think. If you find it useful and it works for you, GOOD FOR YOU! If you don't and it doesn't AND you think I'm full of shit....GOOD FOR YOU! We'll agree to disagree. But one thing we should ALL agree with is the need to make our voices heard and to change things that need changing. The only way to do that is to have a public voice....be it high profile activism, a low profile web site like this, or just simply informing ignorant people in everyday interactions that Transgendered people are not silly, not unworthy of respect, not sick and NOT going away!

How can we correct the misconceptions that are associated with being Transgendered? The most important thing we can do is quit being complacent and let go of the shirt tails of the Gay and Lesbian Community and make it clear that we wish to be recognized as people with GENDER IDENTITY issues, not Sexual Preferences issues. I doubt that I'll live to see that day, but hope springs eternal. Do what you can, when you can...and someday we can all stand on our own and feel the sun on our faces!

Want me to continue this rant? Please see A Call For Unity.