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Dear Talia,
Not sure if you remember me. We talk from time to time in the chat room. I
was at your site a few minutes ago and was reading your article on telling
your wife.
I wanted to tell you about the opposite end of the spectrum, which is my
life. I had also planned to tell my wife, and also thought long and hard
about how to do it. I felt prepared, the day arrived, and instead of giving
her a chance to prepare, I just blurted it out to her. After I finished my
story, she started asking question, and none of the questions she asked were
anything I had though of. You stated that you need to know your wife better
than she knows herself. You can't stress that one enough. That advice is
invaluable.
To make a long story short, that was 3 years ago. My wife has known for that
long now and so far, nothing has been solved. I have been accused of
stealing her identity, robbing her of her femininity, being insensitive to
her needs, all of which have pushed me close to the edge and only sessions
with my therapist have stopped me from actually blowing my brains out. All
that being said, I love my wife more than I can say, and tell her that every
day. I have virtually all but given up actually spending any time as my
female self. If I had to hang an actual time on the amount I dress, it's
probably 10 hours a month. She has *allowed* me to dress while she is out
for the evening and for my monthly support group meetings that she has given
me permission to attend. I accepted that, and by doing so, made a pact with
myself that she would know whenever I am dressed. For that reason, I pretty
much gave up all dressing on the sly. She knew that I was doing that, but
told me that that doesn't count as anything I gave up because she didn't
know about it. Also, if there is some reason that she doesn't go out, or I
have to do something else on the day my support group meets, there is no
offer to allow some other time to express myself. It's just gone.
According to my wife, the internet is not for gaining or sharing knowledge.
It is an area made up of people that are only after certain things. Either
they want to molest you or your children or they want to steal your money. I
haven't found that to be the case and have met some of the most wonderful
people on the internet. People on the internet have become personal
acquaintances, and I have found them to be as sincere as they are in the
chat rooms. Several people that I've met online attend our group meetings,
and drive long distances to be there.
I guess what I am driving at here is that there is being prepared with as
much info in your head and on paper or other sources and being prepared
emotionally, being strong emotionally so what is happening to me doesn't
happen to others. I have been in therapy now for over 2 years, and don't see
any end in sight. You mentioned in your writings that you find yourself
being not so driven by the urge to express your feminine side. I can tell
you that the opposite is true when you don't have the freedom you are
experiencing right now. Frustration is a large part of my life. Being
transgendered sometimes becomes a driving force. Something difficult to hold
back. When I can't express myself, I become sullen, irritable and not a lot
of fun to be around. It's like that now. I fight daily the envious feeling
that arise when I see or talk to people that don't have the problems I do
with their spouses. It isn't meant to hurt anyone, and I should be
congratulating you and others on your good fortune. I would so like to have
my wife know the other half of me. But I don't believe that will ever
happen. needless to say, that side of me needs validation. I try to achieve
that by being a *big sister* of sorts at group. In my mind now, though, some
of my *little sisters* have far surpassed anything that I could ever do, and
it almost seems like it should be the other way around. Sorta like a piano
teacher whose students have surpassed the teacher's talents.
I was told by a wonderful woman yesterday, a woman who owns a woman's
clothing consignment store in the city, that I provide a wonderful service
to our community. This woman is deeply involved in the T community. Although
it can be satisfying to hear, the frustration is strong and I cannot
maintain the good feeling that comes from hearing that.
I guess you must be wondering why the hell I am telling you all this and to
be honest, I guess I am too. What do I expect? Nothing except an
understanding ear. Personally, I am so sick of feeling this way. It's not
fun. I have always been a free spirit. I don't like the me I have become.
All that being said, I guess that I just want you to know that I fee you are
totally correct with what you said and did in your situation. And by putting
that article on your site, if you can save just one person from this living
hell, then you have done a service that will pay off in good will forever!
Sincerely,
KL
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