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Talia

How and why Talia told her secret.  A plan of attack.  Life after TRUTH.

Before I tell you how, I'd best tell you the why.

Why Talia 'Fessed Up

I mentioned the dreaded *mascara debacle* in chat several days after it happened. A dear friend saw the post and sent me an email. Here is what she said....

*Regarding your wife...

I hate to say this - but I'm afraid with your growing interest in **going out** - it's not going to be a matter of if she finds out but **how & when**. thus, I'd be most interested in controlling those latter factors. I know it's tough - but if she gets surprised - it could be much, much worse.*

Of course, my immediate reaction was...* I could NEVER tell her!!!* But her advice kept running through my brain. After several hours of chewing on the possibilities and consequences, I was forced to admit that my friend was right...and right on so many levels. It finally occurred to me that I owed the incredible woman who I had married the RESPECT and TRUST to share my most intimate secret with her. After all...isn't that what marriage is all about? We've been through a lot together and both believe that a marriage is something that couples have to work on every day. There may be days when we don't like each other, but there has yet to be a day when we haven't loved one another. Based on that, I decided to tell her.

I made a vow that I would tell her soon, but only when I was prepared. I gave myself a deadline of 2 months.
 

How to prepare

I began that afternoon.

The first thing that I did was contact several girls who had told their wives about being TG or had been discovered by their wives. I sent out 5 emails. In the space of 3 hours, I had 5 LONG responses to my cry for help that were filled with understanding, sympathy, support, advice, suggestions, and offers from the girls and several of their spouses to correspond with my wife should she desire it....and the most important content that those emails brought to me was love. I was shocked, amazed and in tears as I read them. (I'm getting a bit misty just thinking about it now.) My friends were my best resource. In most cases, our situations differed dramatically, but every scrap of information was beyond value to me.

Next, I started looking for web sites dealing with *telling your spouse*. It was a long, dull, and arduous process. If truth be told, I found little that impressed me. There were several bright spots however. I will pass those on to you in the Links section shortly after my site is up and the site owners have had an opportunity to see my site and grant permission to link to them.

My next step was to start writing down EVERYTHING that I knew about The Goddess. I made sure to identify every characteristic that would lead her to accept my being TG and to pay special attention to what would be barriers. I worked on this for about a week, making additions, organizing and re-organizing. After that, I started a list of questions that I thought she might have and answered them. Then I began to write down everything I knew about TALIA. I also wrote down what my greatest fears were. In addition, I made of list of Talia's wants and needs and prioritized them. (All of Talia's prime wants and needs centered on building a trusting relationship with the Goddess. Her other wants and needs were secondary to the relationship.) After doing all of that I found myself thinking *Geez...wearing a dress isn't really a big deal. Heck, why should it matter what clothing I liked to wear???* I saw clearly that my dressing would be a real benefit to our relationship and could really deepen and strengthen it!!!!! I was excited about telling her! Fortunately, it also occurred to me that it would be the first time the Goddess would know anything about it, and she might not share my enthusiasm. So, lastly, in order to keep me grounded in reality, I wrote down the VERY WORST things that could happen once I told her. That sobered me right up and tempered my excitement. I resolved to *hope for the best, and expect the worst.*

Over a 5 week period, I spent at LEAST two hours a day working on or thinking about this pivotal event in my life. When I spent time in chat, I paid close attention to any reference to *coming out* to a spouse. When I'd see one, I'd PM the person and explain my situation. Once again, EVERYONE was wonderful, understanding and EAGER to help...even those who had bad experiences with it. The best advice and information that I gathered came from these *impulse contacts*. I also made some VERY good friends in the process.

Although I had given myself two months to prepare, I felt it best to strike while the iron was hot. I was fully prepared and further work would just muddle things up in my mind. I knew myself, my partner and my information. I had collected resources, links, contacts for help, a picture of Talia and the answers to the questions I'd anticipated, printed them out and put it all in a notebook for the Goddess to look at at her leisure after I had broken the news to her.

It was a Thursday when I told the Goddess that I wanted to discuss where our relationship would be in 5 years. We agreed to set aside Saturday morning for that purpose.

Saturday morning FINALLY came.....and I told her.
 

The following is a somewhat edited version of what I said.

 
I'd like to talk to you about the future...where we've been, where we're at and where we are going to be in 5 years and beyond. I've been doing a lot of thinking about this over the past couple of months. I see a very bright future, where we are happy, productive and successful. I see right now as a critical point in how we reach that future.

I think you've noticed a change in how I'm going about things over theses past months. Certainly, one of the big changes is the smoking thing, and changes in diet and exercise. Perhaps the biggest change of all is in my attitude...making our relationship and your success with the business my top priority. Have you noticed that I'm much happier? That I'm more willing to gladly and cheerfully make sacrifices? That I'm able to listen with much less effort? That I'm able to add more to our business discussions? That we are able to have fun together with little or no effort at all? What has brought all this on? The cause of these changes in me is what I want to talk about in relation to our future.

Over the past couple of years, I've been doing a good deal of self-examination, delving into just exactly who and what I am. I'll have to admit...I'm not real sharp about a lot of things. Much of what I do, I've done intuitively...and then much later figured out the how and why. I've come late to a lot of parties in my life! Many times I don't grasp things immediately, and have to turn things over in my mind a long time before I really UNDERSTAND them. I'm stubborn about things too. (I'm sure THAT hasn't escaped your notice...) All this self-examination has lead me to a VERY important discovery about myself...something that explains why I've behaved like I have in the past but ALSO has brought about VERY positive changes in me in the present...how I approach our life together, and life in general.

I've discovered that I'm TRANSGENDERED. Put aside any preconceived notions of what you may think of that word for a moment. Until recently, I didn't really understand what it meant. (And to make sure I got this next part right...I copied it right from Renee Reyes web site and I READ it)

I am *a **happily heterosexual man ** - who has an alternative gender identity. Namely - I have a need to express a female side of my personality including dressing in traditionally female attire.

A man who acts **feminine** - for the purpose of expressing a womanly persona - is not necessarily **gay**. Is a woman **a lesbian" if she works in a traditionally male role - or dons prototypical male attire? Of course not!! Both are simply exploring those aspects of their personalities which make them feel most comfortable.

*One's sexual orientation (whom we are most attracted for sexual gratification) is another issue entirely from gender identity - and expression.* www.reneereyes.com

This may or may not come as a surprise to you. I hope that you have questions to ask me. But if you want time to chew on this a bit...that's ok too. We can talk more about it later, but we WILL have to talk about it.

From there, I answered her questions, thoughtfully, thoroughly and HONESTLY. Below is a list of the questions that I had anticipated. Not all of them were asked. Some, I went ahead and asked FOR her. Let the situation be your guide. What MY answers were, is not important. But the questions may help you find your own answers.

Be warned...tell here everything in your own voice and in your own way and above all tell her the TRUTH. She'll spot ANY attempt at deception in ANY form.

Am I gay?

Will I want to have sex with you dressed as a woman?

Do I pretend that I'm a woman when we have sex?

Do I want to have surgery to become a woman?

Do I want to live full time as a woman?

Do I want to wear women's undergarments under my regular clothing?

Do I want to wear nighties to bed?

When did I start and WHY???

Why didn't I tell you when we first met that I had this need?

Why didn't I tell you when I started dressing?

Where did all this come from?

Who is (fill in your girl name here)?

Am I two people?

Am I attracted to other T-girls?

What have I been DOING for two years with this?

Is it something you've done? Did you MAKE me this way?

Why didn't you see this coming?

Do you ever have to see me dressed?

What do I do when I go out dressed as a woman?

Could this endanger my job?

Where do I go to the bathroom when I go out?

Who have I told about this?

Who will I tell?

Who are these on-line friends?

Who will you tell?

Will you have input in what I do, where I go, who I meet or what I wear?

Have you lost the man you married?

And I had only one question for her...

What are YOUR thoughts and fears. How can we face them TOGETHER?

We talked for two and a half hours...during the course of which, I cried three time. She didn't cry at all...and I was so proud of and impressed with how well she handled the situation. Then we let it rest. I told her that I would be glad to answer any more questions that she might think of and gave her the notebook of information that I'd prepared for her. Then I said that I would let HER decide when to talk again.

So, did it go well? Is everything alright?  Please read on.

 

Some of the Goddess' issues with me were as follows....

Her biggest problem with my being TG is that I was able to live a *secret life* without her knowing. (Successfully hiding Talia didn't do much for TRUST in the relationship, did it?) She also had concerns for her business, should I be *outted* by someone. At his writing, she still isn't 100% sure that she can deal with this development. (See??? She is being HONEST. She could just say *I love you and we'll stay together forever*, and then kick my ass out in 2 weeks. I'd rather know the truth. Wouldn't you? Being truthful from now on is the best and ONLY course of action.)

Her biggest fear is that someday, I'll wake up and decide that I want to be a woman for good. (FEAR OF THE UNKNOWN) It's my job now to prove by my actions that wont' happen. (It takes a long time to rebuild TRUST and the NEW RELATIONSHIP.)

Were there signs of hope for us? You betcha' !!!

During the course of our initial talk, I asked her if she hated me and if my need to display my female side disgusted her. She said, *No, it doesn't disgust me. I'm not HAPPY about it, but it doesn't disgust me. One of the reasons I married you was because you had many typically "female" traits. How could I hate you for the very reasons that I fell in love with you?*

After seeing pictures of Talia, she offered to take me to the make-up counter and help me pick out the "proper" foundation color to match my, and I quote "YUMMY skin tone." (She really HATES my make-up...*giggle*...but that comment made it all worthwhile!) She's putting me on a skin care program and demanding that I wear sun block so I can even out the color of my face and shoulders. (Have I created a monster? LOL!!!) She agreed to let Talia have a clothing budget. She even said that since Talia only wants to go to a couple of Big Events a year, that she should have new outfits for each one. (Do you understand now, why I call her the Goddess?) She's offered to let me wear her collection of vintage rhinestone jewelry!!!! (EXCEPT for the Schiaparelli piece....but *into every life a little rain must fall*...sigh...) We talk about Talia quite a bit. When we're out shopping or running errands, she'll ask what colors Talia likes, or if Talia has a particular accessory. She'll also mention make-up tips and tricks as we're driving in the car. All this was very encouraging!!!

The next big step came when the Goddess actually met Talia face to face.  Until that happened, Talia still wanted to communicate with the Goddess. To that end, Talia  started leaving notes for the Goddess. She left her first one about a week after the big talk. The Goddess mentioned that the bathtub and sink needed a good scrubbing. Talia...being no fool, jumped on the chance to make points and did the work. She left the following note for the Goddess to find.

*The bathroom was HORRID!!! I did a quick scrub round...hope you don't mind. It's about time I started earning my keep around here. See you soon! TALIA*

The Goddess and Talia Meet

The Goddess and Talia *met* for the first time 3 months later.  We had found an article in Sew News Magazine on how to make your own custom dress form.  We decided that if would be a fun project to do together!  The Goddess napped while I *transformed* into Talia.  When she woke up and saw Talia, she took everything in stride.  (She used to work in the theatre, so seeing me *dressed funny* and wearing make up was no big shock.)  We had a very fun afternoon!  The details of the experience aren't important....except for one little thing.....

At one point during the process, Talia's *inner bitch* rose just close enough to the surface to be glimpsed.  (It was just a little lift of the eyebrow as a reaction to being asked to do something....and was done in jest)  However, I saw a look of horror come over her face and quickly apologized.    THAT saved my bacon.  She told me later that had Talia been *bitchy* to her in the least...Talia would NEVER have been welcomed in our home.  So a word to the wise...KEEP YOUR INNER BITCH ON A TIGHT LEASH!

A Year After I Told My Secret

I'd like to end this section with  the most touching and important moment of my T-life.

Just a little over a year after I told the Goddess my secret, I was preparing to do my first Drag Show. The night of my premier, a Winter Storm Warning was in effect and it was snowing like crazy. The Goddess had JUST returned from a West Coast business trip and had driven 26 hours straight to beat the storm. I told her that it was ok that she didn’t come to see my performance and that she should rest.

As I was getting ready to leave, The Goddess slipped outside, started the car for me and cleaned the snow off the windows. She then carried out my duffle bag. As I picked up my coat to put it on, she said, *Wait!* and held my hair up in back so that the curls wouldn’t be crushed under the collar of the coat.

That was the very first time that I had EVER been treated like *a lady*. It was also the very first time that I FELT like a lady. I will remember that moment for the rest of my life.

I hope that YOUR situation works out as well as mine has.  I wish you the very best of luck!

Talia and the Goddess make Duct tape dress forms

For a story with a MUCH different ending please click the link below.

Experiences