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The *Extended Play* Goddess

The Goddess and the Tale of the Cell Phone

The Cell Phone Saga

One thing that I had been bad about was calling home when I would be working late. In December...she let me have it with both barrels about that. I finally clued in that no matter HOW much I hate to talk on the phone...I NEEDED to do this. It’s just common courtesy.

Keeping with the phone theme....I HATE CELL PHONES!

The Goddess got one so that she could keep in touch when she travels to do trade shows. That made sense to me. A woman out alone on the road should HAVE a cell phone in case the car breaks down....(which it did to her TWICE. Sigh....). I , however, never bothered to learn how it worked or saw a need for me to have one. (Geez...can you see how stupid I was???? I just said that a woman on the road should have a cell phone. What exactly did I think that I was, when riding in a car while dressed? DUH!!!!!)

When I’d go out to a club or a party she would give me her cell phone and tell me to call several times during the evening and let her know that I was alright. I grudgingly took the darn thing with me.

Last summer, I went for an evening out with my friend Emma and Tina. Before I left...The Goddess gave me the dreaded cell phone and all it’s trimmings and told me to call.

Emma drove. (See...I CAN learn...*giggle*) When we got to the club...I tried to call the Goddess on the cell phone. I’d punch in the number...the light would come on.... and then several minutes later...the light would go off, so I figured it had just disconnected. I’d used the thing several months earlier on a trip to Kansas City...and remembered that it took FOREVER for the phone to connect and ring...so I didn’t hold the phone up to my ear. The club of course was noisy, and I couldn’t hear the thing dialing...so I thought, *Nuts...I’ll have to go out on the patio. The walls must be blocking the signal.*

I tried calling out on the patio....with the same result. I told Emma about the problem (she feels the same about cell phones as I do, and didn’t know how they worked either). We looked around the patio and saw that we were very close to a power pole with a transformer on it. We decided that must be interfering with the phone signal, so I headed out to the parking lot.

In the parking lot....the phone did the same thing!!!! In between attempts to call, I would turn the phone off to conserve the battery.

Now...I could have found a pay phone and called...but I didn’t. THAT was dumb.

2:00 A.M. rolled around, so we decided to call it a night. I was going to sleep at Emma’s house that night since I had a 2 hour drive home. When we got in the car...I tried several more times to call The Goddess, with no luck. That damn light kept turning off! While we drove, Emma said that she would sleep on the couch and that I could have her bed which is a loft. Since it didn’t have a ladder, she went into a long detailed explanation of what furniture I’d need to step on in order to get into the bed. It went something like this .

*You have to stand on the arm of the sofa, then grab the piece of rebar that holds the bed to the ceiling. Then, you put your right foot on the side table, but don’t put all of your weight on it. Use your upper body strength to pull yourself over the edge of the mattress, straddle it and then put your legs together and then swing your legs on up.*

*Ok*, I said, *I don’t think you’ll have to get a stepladder for me. I can handle that. Gee...I’d better try to call The Goddess again. I know she’s gonna be real pissed. I probably should have found a pay phone. I didn’t want to PAY for a call when I’ve got this piece of junk that SHOULD have let me call for free! She can just deal with it.*

At the very moment I ended that sentence and began to reach for the useless communication device.....THE CELL PHONE RANG! Emma and I looked at it dumbfounded. I’d never answered a call on a cell phone.

I had NO idea HOW to ANSWER it.

There wasn’t a button that said *ANSWER* or *RECEIVE*. So I did what comes naturally to me. I panicked!!!! After 4 rings...it stopped. I said to Emma in a choked voice, *Oh GAWD! I’m in TROUBLE!!! That HAD to be The Goddess because she hasn’t given this number to ANYONE.*

As soon as those words left my lips the phone rang again. This time...I pushed the *SEND* button, and said in a weak voice *Hello?* What came out of the OTHER end of the phone could only be compared to the noise of a scalded cat. It was of course..... The Goddess.....

*JUST WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON THERE? All night I’ve been getting calls from you...I can hear you talking but you don’t answer me!!!!!! And just what the HELL is all this about a BED and where to put your LEGS????? What are you DOING??????*

Each and every call I’d made that night had gone through, but I hadn’t put the thing up to my ear to hear the dial tone....or to hear the Goddess answer. I looked at the phone in horror now...and saw......no light. The light had nothing to do with if the phone was working or not. The Goddess had heard everything we said ALL NIGHT. But of course what she’d heard the loudest and clearest was what we were saying in the car about how to get into Emma’s bed. Oh GAWD!

I won’t go into the details of how we got that mess sorted out. But it wasn’t easy. We can laugh about it now...but then...I thought the world had ended! LOL. Thank GAWD that I was the model of innocence and decorum that evening...well...except for that *She can just deal with it* crack....*G*

Now I just don’t HATE cell phones...I consider them DANGEROUS and a threat to my health, well being and length of life. So, what do I do now, you ask? NOT use a cell phone? Nay, nay. Not so, but far otherwise!!! My philosophy regarding cell phones is KNOW YOUR ENEMY.

Just before The Goddess left for her last trade show in January, she asked me, *Is Talia going to go out while I’m gone? And if she does, how is she going to let me know she’s ok? I have to have the cell phone with me.* I said, *I’ve been giving it some thought, and I think that Talia needs to have her own cell phone.*

So we hashed out the economics and I got the cheapest plan available. I only use the rotten thing when I’m out as Talia. And I read that manual from cover to cover!!!!! I don’t know all the bells and whistles...but I sure as hell know when it’s on, how to call, and how to ANSWER. LOL! And I call several times during the evening. I honestly feel safer, The Goddess is more comfortable and in general, it helps to build TRUST!

The lessons here? LEARN to use the equipment. If the equipment don’t work....FIND A PAY PHONE. Believe me...if it costs you $20 a minute, it beats the heck out of being flayed alive!

Little did I know that when I FINALLY talked the Goddess into letting me get my right ear pierced and getting a second hole in my left ear that I was heading down a rocky, dangerous path.

The Goddess had been ambivalent about me getting those *extra holes put in my head*, claiming that my brain got enough air with the holes that were already there. I waited patiently and kept pitching my argument that clip earrings HURT and that I’d wouldn’t be able to use the lovely pair of rhinestone earrings with a necklace that I’d gotten off of Ebay. I also mentioned that if I performed in clip on’s, the chance of them coming off and getting lost was highly increased. She countered with her argument that men with both ears pierced looked *kinda creepy*.

Eventually, I prevailed by promising to only wear subtle gold wire hoops and my *engagement* earring that the Goddess herself had given me, when in boy mode. In addition, I said if she decided that I did INDEED look *creepy*, I’d just let the holes heal up. She gave in very gracefully, and I think was even looking forward to me having it done, because later that day, I found her rooting in one of her many jewelry boxes. When I came into the bedroom, she produced a pair of tiny gold disc earrings and a lovely pair of VERY thin, gold wire earrings. The discs, she explained were her *starter* earrings. Even the posts were gold! She said she’d like me to use them as my first *pair* as well. The hoops were for after the healing period was done.

She also told me, that they were on LOAN and that my HEAD was the collateral she demanded if I lost them. Geez...no pressure there, huh?

I was pretty darn excited! So I figured I’d go out and have it done before she changed her mind.

I’m a big believer in *the right tool for the right job* and going to an *expert* when you want something done right. I had 6 choices of where to get my ears pierced in my little town. 3 Tattoo/Piercing establishments, a jewelry store, Claire’s or The Piercing Pagoda in the Mall.

Going with my natural inclination...I went to see the *experts* first. I figured that the Tattoo/Piercing people were professionals and the folks at Claire’s or The Piercing Pagoda were minimum wage employees with a mean age of about 15 who would get the holes in the wrong places, and cause an infection that would make my ears rot and fall off.

The first two Tattoo/Piercing places I tried were closed. I swear...it was the first time I’d EVER seen the damn places closed. I was beginning to think that God was telling me I wasn’t meant to have this done, when I discovered the last of the *experts* was indeed open. There was a parking space right out front too! Luck was really with me.

I walked in with The Goddess’ little bitty starter earrings clutched in my sweaty hand. I went up to the counter and announced grandly....*I’d like to get a couple more holes in my head, please*.

The guy behind the counter looked up from his computer (another good sign! These people weren’t just a bunch of ex cons who sat around looking at Penthouse between customers!!!), and said. *Ok. Bob will take care of you....but he’s not here yet.*

At that moment...the back door opened and Bob came in making a beeline for the bathroom. *I’ll be right with ya*, he said over his shoulder as he stepped into the can. I occupied myself by listening carefully for the sound of the toilet flushing and THEN to make sure that I heard water running in the SINK! (Yeah...they may be professional...but there’s no sense in taking any chances. *G*)

When Bob emerged...he shook my hand (which was damp....ANOTHER good sign) and asked what I needed. I explained that I’d like to have my right ear pierced and a second hole in the left one.

He said, *OK! Just step this way and I’ll show you the ear jewelry we have and you can decide circumference you want.* In the excitement of the moment...I had missed the importance of a key word in his sentence. CIRCUMFERENCE. This would come back to haunt me soon.

I stepped up to the case intending to just take a polite look and then explain I had my own earrings already. Rather than pretty sparkly rhinestones or sedate and classic pearls, what I saw in the case however somehow reminded me of a High Altitude Photograph of Gold’s Gym. All I saw was row upon row of little tiny dumb bells.

*Uhhhhhhh......*, I said with my typical flair elevated diction, *That’s not really what I had in mind. See...I’ve got these I’d like to use.* I held the tiny gold discs up for his inspection. The expression on his face was closely akin to what a proctologist’s would be knowing his patient had gas.

*Well...we’d have to use these.*, he said mustering his best don’t piss the customer off even when they’re SO stupid and SO wrong voice

*But THESE are the ones that I want to wear*, I said with a cheery, Talia like smile. (Talia makes unexpected guest appearance at the most inopportune times when I’m in boy mode...sigh)

*Those won’t work,* said Bob. *You have to pick one of these*.

I was too smart for him....I knew what he was up to. The Goddess had warned me that they might try to sell me earrings instead of using the ones that I already had. HAH!

*But see, these are what I really want. If you’re worried about infections and things...these a ALL GOLD! So, I’m sure you’ll agree that they’ll do just fine.* Talia smiled again, just for emphasis.

Bob was starting to fidget now. I thought, *He knows that I’m on to his little sell the rube earrings he doesn’t want scam. I’ll just wait him out.* But Bob was looking over my shoulder behind me and said, *Hey Crystal....can you come here a minute?* Then looking back to me said,*See...I just do the prep work. Crystal does the actual piercing. Maybe you’d better talk to her.*

Crystal, a stunningly beautiful woman with enough metal attached to her body to shut down an airport by just walking in the front door stepped up to us and said *What can I do for ya, honey?* I brightly explained that I wanted my ears pierced and would like to use my little gold discs.

She managed to give me a look of pity that’s usually reserved for one of Jerry’s Kids, and said, *Maybe you should go to the Mall and have that done.*

I patiently explained my philosophy about relying on experts to get a job done right. Talia beamed.

The Jerry’s Kids look was quickly replaced by the there’s a street person washing my windshield at a stoplight look. I have to give her credit tho’. She didn’t hurt me then...and I’m pretty sure she wanted to. She could have mopped the floor with me even with one arm stapled to her back.

*Look*, she said, * I pierce you...and those earrings are gonna fall right out. The smallest I go is 6mm.* She held up a piece of metal for my inspection, that for all the world looked to me to be a mutant 10 penny nail with no head.

Then in a blinding flash of cognition...it hit me. Bob had said something about circumference!!!! I looked at the piercing needle and realized that I’d seen smaller drainage culverts running under highways. What other word do I associate with circumference???? Ah yes! BORE. I had experienced an epiphany!!!! PIERCING...is WAY different from piercing.

With piercing...you get a tiny little pin prick of a hole so you can wear pretty stuff.

PIERCING is a whole mind set, a way of life...it’s own little culture. The holes they’re talking about are measured in mm’s! It involves radical altering of the body. It involves PAIN!!!!! THAT’S why Tattoos and Piercing are in the same place!!!!! And I instantly knew that I was.... IN THE WRONG PLACE. I’m positive ALL color left my face. The only thing on my mind was how to make a graceful, but hasty exit.

Mustering all my acting skills and as much calm as possible, I said, *Ah! I see. Well, that’s really not what I need. Perhaps I should check out the Mall. Thanks so much for explaining things to me.*

Crystal gave me a smug, self-satisfied look. *Uh-huh* , she said. I scurried to the door. Just as I left Crystal yelled, *Hey, if ya ever want yer tongue pierced...you come back and see me!*

At the time...the irony of that parting shot didn’t occur to me because I was so glad to escape with not having a hole the size of the Holland Tunnel put in my ear.....but as I write it down...I’m just a little pissed. Maybe I’ll go back dressed some night and bitch slap her. Hummmm.....well...maybe not. I think I deserved that crack.

With my figurative tail between my legs, I drove to the Mall. I strolled to the nearest jewelry store. Back in the day (1988) when I had my left ear pierced, I’d had it done at a jewelry store. So I decided to try a jewelry store for the next set of holes.  I approached a salesperson and told him that I’d like to have my ears pierced. He told me that they didn’t do that anymore. But Claire’s or The Piercing Pagoda would do it.

I looked over to Claire’s and saw a rather frumpy middle aged woman’s idly standing at the register staring off into space, and decided to see if The Piercing Pagoda employee looked any more on the ball. What I saw there, turned my blood to ice. My worst fears were personified in the girl standing behind the counter. She looked about 12 years old, skinny as a rail, chomping on gum and talking a mile a minute to one of her Jr. High School friends.

I made a quick U turn and headed back to Claire’s. No damn juvenile delinquent was going to come anywhere NEAR me with anything sharp! I’d stick with the the middle aged woman who at least had a chance of knowing her ass from her elbow!!!!

And then...I LISTENED to what I was thinking. *GAWD*, I thought, *Tals....you are an insufferable BIGOT! I can’t BELIEVE that you’re even thinking these things. Come on now. Just because the little girl at the Piercing Pagoda is young, doesn’t mean that she incompetent. In point of fact...wouldn’t she be a better choice anyway? Kids that age are fixated on appearance...right??? So who’s BETTER suited to insuring that your ears get done right????*

I did an about face, and walked back to The Piercing Pagoda. She was very sweet and gave me just exactly what I wanted. I did have to buy some cheap starter earrings, because the gold discs wouldn’t fit in her gun. (BTW...I would recommend if you have your ears done, taking out the cheap earrings right away and get good quality studs in as soon as you get home. The cheap earrings I got turned green in a matter of days even though I was fanatical about keeping them clean.) We spent about 15 minutes getting my ears marked for exactly where I wanted the holes. Then, in a matter of seconds the deed was done! However...I’d been so concerned about getting the holes centered on my ear that I didn’t see a little problem. And that little problem didn’t show up until my ears had healed and I put on a pair of long dangle earrings. When I did...I saw that one of my ears is a good ½" higher than the other....LOL! I just try to stand with my head tilted. *G*.

Here are my suggestions if you want to get your ears pierced.

Decide if you want pierced or PIERCED. KNOW THE DIFFERENCE!

Check not only how the earring is centered on your ear, but also if the holes are LEVEL with one another!

I would recommend if you have your ears done, buy GOOD starter earrings, or swap out the cheap earrings and get good quality studs in as soon as you get home. The cheap earrings I got turned green in a matter of days even though I was fanatical about keeping them clean.

Anyway...I LOVE having my ears pierced and it’s great not to have to deal with the clip-ons. It make me feel pretty and that’s the important thing for me.